December 2008

  • Puppy Woes

    By joe six pack on 12/16/08 10:01pm
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    Wednesday, December 17
    9:30am

    Dear Diary,

    I thought that I would be taking care of business by getting a puppy. Clearly, that is what America wants. A First (or Second) Puppy. But of course there are always going to be those who have to stand up and make a scene to get some attention. Heck, I’ve done it myself a few times. I guess I should have seen this coming when I bought the dog from the breeder. It’s just that it’s always been a dream of mine to own a German Shepherd. Jill and I just thought we’d go up there and see the puppies. But I just couldn’t resist when I saw them. After all, I’m only human.

    But now I’m getting slammed by PETA and the Humane Society for not buying from an animal shelter. According to PETA Vice President, Daphna Nachminovitch, “By paying money to a dog breeder, the Bidens have in effect signed a death warrant for a loving dog at an animal shelter who would have been thrilled to home with them.” I think the death warrant comment is a little over the top. But, of course, she’s not finished. “Mr.

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  • A Cheap Shot

    By joe six pack on 12/16/08 3:39am
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    Tuesday, December 16, 2008
    8:30pm

    Dear Diary,

    Barack and I are not friends. I can’t believe how he humiliated me in front of those kids. As if he really has to impress them. Come on! A bunch of fourth graders won’t be voting for another eight years or so. Why on earthy does he think has to impress them? The kids were just talking about what they’re learning in school. One kid raised his hand to announce, “Decimals.” So Barack has to blurt, “Decimals! Wow, Joe doesn’t even know his decimals.” What a cheap shot.  I would never come back with some bit talking about Barack’s fractions, or something like that.

    Honestly, it’s ridiculous. And it’s not like I need a bad rep when it comes to my capabilities in the White House. If anything, I need to be proving that I’m capable, since my responsibilities as a Vice-President have been few and far between, at best.

    Of course, I can’t complain, or say anything about this.

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  • A Not-So-Far Flung Shoe Story

    By joe six pack on 12/14/08 10:01pm
    2 Comments

    Monday, December 15th
    8:30am

    Dear Diary,

    Just saw that Bush has made his final visit to Baghdad, Iraq. But apparently, not all were glad to see him. During a meeting with the Iraqi prime minister, an Iraqi TV journalist threw his shoes at the president! I could hardly believe it when I saw the video! Bush avoided being hit by ducking, but it was very obvious that the journalist planned on hitting the President since the shoes were thrown with quite a bit of force. The journalist was hauled out of the room (naturally), but he wasn’t arrested or anything, which surprised me.

    I sure hope that doesn’t happen to me when I travel overseas. It would be pretty nasty, especially if I didn’t get a chance to duck. Then again, I didn’t start a pointless war that has already killed almost 100,000 Iraqi civilians. Wow, Bush has a lot of blood on his hands.

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  • McCain Redeems Himself

    By joe six pack on 12/13/08 10:01pm
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    Sunday, December 14th
    1:00pm

    Dear Diary,

    After watching John McCain’s interview with George Stephanopoulos, I have a newfound respect for the man. He made some very insightful comments concerning Barack’s ties to Blagojevich and the role of the Republican Party. McCain not only reproached Republicans for putting such a huge focus on Barack’s relationship (however tenuous) to Blagojevich, he also brought up how unproductive it is for the Republicans to concentrate on this issue when there are a host of more important issues to confront. I have to applaud him for these comments, and for continuing to put his faith in Barack after losing the election to him. In McCain’s words:

    “In all due respect to the Republican National Committee and anybody – right now, I think we should try to be working constructively together, not only on an issue such as this, but on the economy stimulus package, reforms that are necessary.

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  • Crime and Punishment?

    By joe six pack on 12/13/08 7:51pm
    2 Comments

    Saturday, December 13th
    11:10pm

    Dear Diary,

    In thinking back over my last diary entry, where I talked about whether Barack will invoke the Executive Privilege, so often used by George W. Bush, I can’t help but wonder what will happen once Bush leaves office.

    Dick Cheney and Alberto Gonzales have already been indicted in Texas for abusing prisoners in federal detention centers. Cheney was indicted for showing a conflict in interest and engaging in organized criminal activity related to his investment in the Vanguard Group, one of the private companies running these the prisons. If that’s not enough, Gonzales was indicted for using his position to stop an investigation in 2006 into abuses at one of the privately-run prisons. And in my opinion, this just the tip of a very deep and very criminal iceberg.

    But what happens when Bush leaves office? George W. Bush, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, and several others in the Bush Administration should be at least indicted for the host of crimes they’ve committed, from misuse of office and abuse of power to war crimes and treason. But will they?

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  • The Prophecies of Joe Biden

    By joe six pack on 12/11/08 10:02pm
    1 Comment

    Friday, December 12th
    2:45pm

    Dear Diary,

    If people will remember, I predicted that Barack would face some trials and tribulations within his first couple months of office. Yes, I did think that this crisis would be an international one and that it would come within the first few months of his presidency. So I was a little early, big deal. So I was wrong about the international component, a domestic crisis is just as bad, especially one that goes as high up as this scandal The point is that I predicted Barack would have to face a crisis, and he is.

    But this is quite a big deal. Even I don’t know exactly how Barack was connected with Blagojevich, and how much he really knew about the selling of his Senate seat. Barack denies having had real contact with Blagojevich within the past year, but who knows whether that’s true. I’d like to trust the guy, and I’m sure that’s true of most Americans (at least those who voted for him).

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  • Joe Biden Commemorative Plate

    By joe six pack on 12/10/08 10:01pm
    3 Comments

    Thursday, December 11th
    7:35am

    Dear Diary,

    After google-ing my name, as I like to do from time to time, I discovered that someone has recently come out with a Joe Biden Commemorative Plate. On first glance, this seemed like a great idea. Until I watched the video…

    It’s an outrage! The Joe Biden Commemorative Plate almost seemed like the creators are making a mockery of me. I’m sure that I have fans out there, but who would buy that plate? It almost seemed like they were belittling the role that I played in getting a Democratic Administration back in the White House. To start, I disliked the way the narrator said, “Jooooe Biiiiiden.” Not to mention, he was a little too happy about my “clean hair and articulate teeth.” (What are “articulate teeth” anyway?!) And when he finally brought up how I was in the shadow of history, he was basically saying that I’m just a little paint and the real deal is Barack Obama. Seems like they’re really belittling my role, especially when the seemed almost make fun of my achievements, and my commute to and from Delaware.

    Well, to whoever created that plate – I hope nobody buys it.

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  • The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

    By joe six pack on 12/10/08 8:27am
    1 Comment

    Wednesday, December 10th
    10:05pm

    Dear Diary,

    Whew, it’s been a whirlwind of political activity since I last wrote in my diary. Well, first off, Barack and I had our meeting on Tuesday with Al Gore. It’s always nice to talk to the guy that once held my office. He was the last guy to rightfully hold this office, so I felt honored to meet with him. Not to mention the Nobel Peace Prize and all….

    Well, anyway, we talked about the environment, naturally (no pun intended), and looked to Al Gore for advice as to whom Barack will nominate for the Environmental Team. Al Gore had a few suggestions, and I’ll be curious to see how many of them Barack takes to heart. Too bad Gore is so adamant about staying out of Washington. Apparently, he can get more done when he’s not directly involved in the political sphere. Still, he would have made a great Environmental Protection Agency administrator.

    In other news, I can’t believe all the corruption surrounding Barack’s Senate seat.

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  • Jill to Continue Teaching

    By joe six pack on 12/8/08 3:37pm
    1 Comment

    Monday, December 8th
    4:25pm

    Dear Diary,

    Jill has officially come out with a statement saying that she plans to continue working after I’m sworn into the Vice Presidency. I’m personally very glad that she’s made this decision. She’s always enjoyed working at the community college, and I’m certainly glad she’s not putting her career off the side while I’m in the White House. She certainly never did that before when I was a Senator for all those years, and I see no reason why she should now.

    Anybody who takes her English classes is lucky to have her, and I’d hate for those kids to miss out on one of the best English teachers around. Maybe I’m biased, and it’s true – I haven’t sat on in on any of her classes. But I know Jill is a brilliant woman, and she’s been a renowned teacher for years.

    Not to mention, I’m extremely proud that she’ll be one of the few Second Ladies to work while her husband’s in office. That not only shows where women are at, but how much she values working.

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  • Entering the Realm of Hip Hop

    By joe six pack on 12/7/08 9:59pm
    2 Comments

    Sunday, December 7th
    11:55pm

    Dear Diary,

    I went to family get-together early this evening. It was lots of fun, and definitely a lot of fun to see everyone. Feels like I’ve been hanging out around Washington D.C. a lot lately, trying to stick around in case there’s anything I need to do. So it’s nice to get away and have some family time every once and again. This party was a big to-do, and the kids even ended up blasting some of their own tunes in the other room. I never was much of a fan of this new rap called “hip hop.” Sounds like an inappropriate bunny-hop genre, but I pretend to like it so that I can please the kids and hopefully identify with the younger demographic of voters.

    Well, I was standing outside the room making sure everything was ok when I heard, “I want Joe Biden, need Joe Biden” as part of the song. I thought the kids were just playing some kind of a promotional campaign video, but when I heard other lyrics saying, “You can have whatever you like,” I realized this was part of the song. I went in and asked the kids what it was called (“Whatever U Like” – title makes sense) and why it had my name in it.

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  • New Position in the Office of the Vice President

    By joe six pack on 12/5/08 5:40pm
    1 Comment

    Friday, December 5th
    6:30pm

    Dear Diary,

    Can’t believe this economy. Bush has left our country (and the rest of the world) a mess, and go figure – we have to clean up after him. I do think it was wrong of him and the economists not to announce that we entered the recession last December. It wasn’t fair to the people to not inform them that they were about to hit hard times, since they could have at least planned for it. Regardless, I feel that it’s my responsibility to help do something about it.

    So, I’ve decided to help Barack with his Economic Recovery Plan by creating a new position within my office: Chief Economist and Economic Policy Advisor. I’ve named Jared Bernstein to fill this position for many reasons. He’s worked with a variety of domestic and international economic policies, and he’s dedicated to helping middle class families.

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  • Meeting with Bill Gates

    By joe six pack on 12/4/08 1:00pm
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    Thursday, December 4th
    2:05pm

    Dear Diary,

    Yesterday I met with Bill Gates. I hate to admit it, but I did feel a little intimidated at the prospect of meeting with one of the richest and most philanthropic men in the world. But he was surprisingly friendly and affable, and we got along very well. He came to discuss a lot of issues, including global health and development, as well as the need to improve resources for secondary education, particularly for community colleges – many of the various aspects that the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation focuses on. Bill also told me that he spoke before a crowd at George Washington University where he expressed his hopes that the Obama Administration will follow through on its pledge to double the foreign aid budget to $50 billion.

    I was so honored that Bill Gates wanted to speak with me. Of course, as a man with his power and influence, he could have met with Barack, so I felt glad to know that he chose me instead.

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  • Newest Briefing

    By joe six pack on 12/3/08 4:00pm
    1 Comment

    Wednesday, December 3rd
    5:50pm

    Dear Diary,

    Today Janet Napolitano and I were briefed by the Commission on the Prevention of Weapons of Mass Destruction Proliferation and Terrorism. Whew, what a mouthful! Well, Bob Graham and Jim Talent led this and whoa. From the way it sounds, we really have our work cut out for us. I don’t want to give any details, in case this diary falls into the wrong hands. But I will say this – we have a lot to do over the next four (hopefully eight) years.

    I do have faith that Janet will make a good Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. Better than Michael Chertoff, that’s for sure. But I’ve had to wonder about a lot of the guys in the Bush Administration. How much say and influence did they really have? We all know that Dick Cheney and Karl Rove basically ran that administration. So I’d be curious to find out what Michael Chertoff came up with on his own. Still, I’ll be glad to be working with Janet on preventing the proliferation and use of the weapons of mass destruction.

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  • Smoothing the Feathers with Palin

    By joe six pack on 12/2/08 5:08pm
    1 Comment

    Tuesday, December 2nd
    6:04pm

    Dear Diary,

    Today I spoke at the National Governors Association. Tried to be as light and funny as possible so as to not give away my bitterness about not having any real responsibility right now. And I called out Sarah Palin too, trying to show that I’m a gracious winner. I mentioned that since the race is over, maybe she’ll say hi to me since no one pays attention to me. I said that last part too. I’m hoping it resonates with others so there’s more media attention about my lack of publicity.

    But still, it’ll be interesting to find out whether Palin’s a poor sport. But along those lines, it’s pathetic that she still gets more attention than I do. Who’s the Veep here anyway? I’m going to have to see if there’s something that I can do about this. Already talked to Barack, but maybe this is the time I should take matters into my own hands.

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